Global Endings
by The Grim Reaper

At last the Grim Reaper can relieve you of your angst. No more nights spent tossing and turning on a sweat-soaked mattress anxiously fretting about the collapse of planet Earth's ecosystem as the greenhouse effect accelerates and whisks us on a one way ticket to an inferno as hot as Venus. No more guilt for enjoying yourself and taking that last minute cheap flight that you agonised over for so long. No need to suffer sharing unreliable overcrowded trains with the great unwashed out of some sense of misguided principle. Live a little, get yourself a car. Fancy some fresh asparagus in Midwinter flown 7000 miles from California to your dinner plate at a cost of only 4 kg of aviation fuel per serving? How about a juicy kiwi fruit from New Zealand that only generates 5 times its weight in carbon dioxide on its plane journey to your local supermarket. STOP WORRYING! Spoil yourself. You only live once, and there ain't no kiwi fruit in hell. Enjoy yourself now while you can.

Trust me, there is no such thing as global warming. And how do I know this? Because George Dubya Bush has spoken and he does not believe in climate change. He has said that it isn't happening, and his word is good enough for me. When such an exceptionally warm human being as Mr Bush says "I know the human beings and fish can coexist peacefully," I know that his environmental credentials are established and he is a man I can put my trust in.

You may have heard the latest rumours presented as fact by the Hadley Institute at the Meteorological Office, which has now uprated their estimate of the green house effect. Whereas previous research calculated a temperature increase of 1.5-2 degrees centigrade this century, the Hadley Institute is confident that the weather will get slightly warmer than this. They have based their research on projections of continued and accelerating meltback of icecaps and glaciers, combined with a massive expected dieback of the Amazon forest. They believe the earth will heat up by 6 degrees centigrade in the next 100 years. That is hotter than the earth has been at any time since the dinosaurs roamed the earth. Clearly this might present the odd problem for you and me as road surface melt, making it much harder to drive around on our normal business.

The big question is who is right, Mr Bush or the Met Office? Now the Grim Reaper puts his money on Dubya Bush. But, dear readers, I hear you fretting once again. I know it is the cyclist's burden to take the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I can hear you nervously asking, 'what if the grim reaper has got it wrong?' I can only try to reassure you, but in the unlikely event that my assessment of Mr Bush is incorrect, worry not. Mr Prescott and New Labour will save you from a fiery death. New Labour have several tricks up their sleeves to tackle global warming head on.

First, there are the paving slabs that eat up pollution. The slabs have been developed in Japan and contain titanium dioxide which reacts with sunlight to break down nitrogen dioxide from car exhausts into nitric acid and oxygen. They have already been used in Osaka and are shortly to be trialled in Westminster. The paving stones need regular cleaning to allow them clear contact with sunlight, so residents will benefit from both cleaner air and pavements. An added benefit will be fewer pigeons as they will be put off from landing in nitric acid.

Second, researchers funded by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation have called on the government to confront the problems of rural poverty and isolation by using fuel duties to give unemployed country dwellers a grant to buy a car.

Third, reducing fuel duty and car tax as a result of the recent Fine Upstanding Citizens' protests will undoubtedly have huge environmental benefits for everyone.

If these three measures don't act as a fail-safe then we are all doomed.

I'm off to do some Xmas shopping. See you at Cribbs Causeway!