Trade Secrets
with Alf Scroat

If there's one 'fing the bike trade ain't too hot on, it's fittin' the bike to the customer. Some of 'em are well practiced at fittin' the customer to the bike, mind you. Tut, tut, tut, but we don't do none of that here at Scroat's World of Cycling. We 'ave a simple motto -- a customer with a pain in the bum will stay a pain in the bum. So, to avoid awkward complainin' an' whingein', we always make sure they leave 'appy. Our 'ighly trained operatives -- that's our Wilf, the missus and young Scroat who does Saturday mornin's -- are all well versed in the 'natomy of the 'uman bean. Vital insider knowledge when it comes to fitting yer 'uman frame to the dodgier sort of folding bike, which 'aint always 'uman shaped, unfortunately.

Saddle height
It's yer legs wot do the work, unless yer lucky enough to 'ave one of those Hybendu 'lectric jobs. Bloody marvellous the 'ybendu -- works a treat. Anyway, whether you got one or not, yer legs don't work so well if they're all a-twisted and constricted. Believe me, yer legs 'ave to get a good stretch once in a while, or you'll knacker yer knees. Complicated animals knees.

There are a few scallywags in the trade wot 'aint too concerned about saddle 'ight on them folding bikes. Tut, tut, tut, they are naughty fellows, an' no mistake. But 'ere at Scroat's World of Cycling we say saddle 'ight is more important on yer folder than yer Dawes Stratosphere Explorer Tourer Deluxe. Because yer folder starts wi'v a few disadvantages, an' don't need no more, if you follow me drift. Well, firstly, they ain't usually available in diff'rent frame sizes, so you already got an element of compromise.

Some would 'ave you do all sorts of 'mafs an' other complicated 'fings involving inside leg measurements an' all that. Now, I'm more than willin' to chase the ladies round the workshop with a tape measure, but there really ain't no need. Make sure the saddle goes 'igh enough for you to touch the floor on tippy toes wiv a bit more 'ight available - say an inch, or two and a 'alf thingies in yer metric. Yer Birdy and yer Tactic will fit all but the very tallest blokes -- bloody good saddle stems on yer Birdy and yer Tactic. Yer Micro ain't quite so generous, and yer Brompton is a special case. Bloody wonderful engineer, that Andrew Ritchie. 'E makes three seat pillars wiv 'ight stops -- normal, tall, and extra bloody tall.

Don't ever leave the shop wiv a pillar that's too short, cause you'll either knacker yer knees or pay extra the following week, or both if you're a really unlucky sort of bloke. If the pillar is too short, say, "No, I want summin' longer." Make 'im do a bit a work for the sale, by changin' a few seat pillars. Then come and buy it at Scroat's World of Cycling.

Now, once you've been ridin' yer folding bike for a bit, you'll want a bi' more 'ight -- that's wot yer extra inch is for. But wot 'appens if you go too far, as the archbishop said to the actress? Well, you'll feel yer legs over stretchin' on them down strokes, and you'll start fallin' orf at traffic lights. Yer leg should be straight, sittin' on the bike with yer 'eel on the pedal at its lowest point. Or thereabouts.

Cranks
Now, not all of us 'as got the same legs, an' that's why our Wilf goes 'Phwoah!' when 'e sees that Claudia Schiffer. If you got long legs, you might be more comf'table with long cranks, but if you got short legs, you might want short cranks. Unfortunately, most road bikes 'ave standard ones -- 170 centi-deci-metres, or 'bout 63/4 inches in proper English.

Now, 6 3/4" cranks is fine for an ordinary sort of bloke like me, but it's too long for the missus, who's got short stubby legs, 'an it's prob'ly too short for yer Claudia Schiffer, who's got all sorts of natr'al attributes, an' long legs an' all. Wot they don't always tell yer is that cranks are 'vailable in 165mm, 175mm, an' a few other sizes.

If yer pins is of the short stubby variety, or the long lanky kind, just say, "No, I 'ave unusual physiognomy, an' wish to try alternative cranks." If the bloke refuses, I'll send our Wilf round to sort 'im out, an' if you want a second opinion on yer upper thigh dimensions, nip round to Scroat's World of Cycling. The trade don't like fittin' unusual cranks, 'cause it means more work. Tut, tut, tut.

Gears
Hub gears is bloody marvellous. Yer derailleur is a bit more 'fficient, but only if you don't mind muckin' about wiv it, or payin' someone to do it for you. Gears ain't complicated, unless you want 'em to be - then they're very complicated. If you've only got a few gears, top should be 'round 80-something inches, 'owever many you got, an' bottom should be as low as possible. If you got lots of gears, top don't want to be more than 100 inches, an' bottom still wants to be as low as possible. If bottom's more than 40 inches, you won't get up medium-size 'ills. If it's 30 inches, you'll get up quite steep ones, an' if it's 20 inches, you'll go slow enough to fall orf.

'Ave a proper ride before you spend that 'ard-earned money, an' if you don't like the range of gears, tell the bloke you want 'em changed. If 'e says: "No, the Spindley 2-speed 'as special non-adjustable gears," tell 'im what to do wiv 'is crankset.

Saddles
Saddles is very strange animals, as is bums. Bums come in all shapes, sizes an' styles, as do saddles, fortunately. It ain't no good layin' down 'ard an' fast rules, but if you find somethin' all soft an' squishy, it usually ends up givin' you a pain in the bum. On the other 'and, somethin' 'ard and 'orrid can massage yer nether regions a treat, once it's 'run-in' like.

Saddles wot come wiv the bike can be a bit dicey. I'd say most bums find the Brompton and Micro saddles a bit indigestible on a long ride, while yer Tactic an' Birdy is much better. But your bum might be the exception. If you don't like it, buy summat else.

Where you position yer saddle is a bit complicated. Try it forwards and back till you're comfy, an' that's all I can say. If you got unusual legs an' arms, that Andrew Ritchie does a smashin' saddle adaptor wot gives diff'rent positions, an' it fits the Micro in all. Yer Tactic has a bent stem what turns round. Smashin'.

Yer saddle should be completely level. If you start fallin' orf goin' up 'ills, tilt it down at the front, an' if you fall orf goin' down again, tip it back. 'Course, yer personal bits is all diff'rent. Strange animals privates. If you feel a bit o' numbness in yer privates, do somethin' 'mediately, 'cause numb privates is no joke, I can tell you.

Handlebars
Now yer folding bikes ain't usually got much 'andlebar adjustment. All I can say is, 'ave a try, and if it ain't suitable, try fittin' bar ends. Now, I've said this before, but don't fit a quick release on yer Brompton 'andlebars, unless you wanna be an accident waitin' to 'appen. It's easy to fit lower bars on a Brompton, right down to straight 'uns. Bloody good those straight bars on a Brompton. On yer Tactic, try turnin' round yer 'andlebar stem, which don't 'alf make a difference.

That's yer lot. There ain't no excuse for bein' uncomfortable on a folding bike, unless you was asleep when you bought it, or you got very unusual physiognomy. 'Ave a proper ride, 'ave a proper argument wiv the retailer, an' walk out the shop wiv a proper decent bike wot fits you. Not the other way 'round.