US vs UK
by Chipps Chippendale

I'll wager that the word 'gnarly' did not appear in the vocabulary of the English cyclist until at least 1990. Neither did 'roost', 'gonzo', 'moto', 'burly' or 'biff' appear in conversation when discussing cycling. Your country (and its mountain bike magazines) have a lot to answer for.

The English language, as I'm sure you know, has always been influenced by other languages -- French, Latin, Anglo Saxon, but more recently we've seen a distressing influence back from the US. Rather than being influenced by a language per se, we now see influences appearing from such diverse sources as MTV, The Simpsons, Cypress Hill and Friends. We are, it seems, in trouble.

Like every country that had mountain bikes and mountain bikers before they were 'invented', there has always been an offroad community in the UK, though they have mainly been cyclocrossers and cycletourists, with the sedate pace and gentlemanly conduct that's associated with guys who ride in Duegi wooden soled shoes and blue, calf-length socks. Slowly the influence of the US started to be felt as more riders caught the mountain biking bug and read every magazine they could find on the subject. While there were (and still are) a couple of good UK Magazines, if you really wanted to be on the cutting edge, you sought out the newsagent that carried MBA, where you'd read about new fangled things like titanium frames and bullmoose bars.

Slowly and imperceptibly, our language started to change. The tracks we rode, referred to as 'bridleways' for hundreds of years, became 'trails'. Forest tracks became fire roads, even though we rarely have forest fires in this green and damp land of ours. Tough rides became 'gnarly,' 'ace' things became 'cool.' And more recently, mountain bikes or 'bikes', even have become 'hardtails.' But don't start me on the full suspension -- evil of mankind gig.

Despite our shared language and pastimes, there were some words that would not cross over from shore to shore. Just as the British slang for cigarette ('fag') causes mirth or painful misunderstanding in the US, So some of your names haven't quite hit the mark over here. For some reason, Cannondale seems to be the worst culprit, I guess through a desire to have cool, trendy and with-it names for their products. Shall we start with their tow along bike trailer, the 'Li'l Bugger?' Now, the word bugger in the UK doesn't conjure up a small trailer, but the, er, homosexual act. Not entirely the family image that the big C was trying to achieve....

I'm afraid Cannondale then came out with the Attackarak. A mountain biking anorak. Once again, we find that in England, the humble anorak is less associated with rain jackets and rather more with the people who wear them: generally trainspotters, geeks and perverts.

One of the most shocking bits of double entendre over here was the completely different meaning of 'fanny,' as in 'fanny pack.' Enthusiastic shop staff found themselves stopping mid-sell as they reached the product name, for 'fanny' in the UK does not mean, erm, bottom, but refers to an altogether more intimate part of the female anatomy. Mind you, the English version of fanny pack probably causes similar guffaws in the US, because we call them bum-bags. Bum meaning butt, rather than scruffy, bearded fellows who like the odd bottle of dry sherry. (You do have sherry there don't you?)

What are those shorts called that reach down to mid-calf? Knickers? No, we can't call them knickers over here because that's what girls wear as undergarments. Pants? Nope, that's what boys wear as undergarments.

Bonk? While hardcore (now there's a word) cyclists will know what you mean, to the general British public it means roughly the same as 'shag', in the naked, heaving bodies sense of the word. For some reason, a great many American cycling garments have taken the form of indiscreet British words. Suspenders? Oh no, I'm afraid that's how we refer to a lady's garter belt. So, when traveling in England, don't ever say that you're going to attach your suspenders to your knickers and ride 'til you bonk. Oh, and is anyone interested in a l'il bugger? Neither should you be offended if someone asks if you fancy a fag at the top of the hill.

Now don't even get me started on 'wanker.' Oh, OK, here's a little lesson for people such as the late California Bicyclist magazine who greatly misused wanker on their very public front pages with 'Are you a cycling wanker.' Now, I believe you'd call our understanding of 'wanking' something like 'jerking off.' So you can gather from this that we'd find it unlikely and amusing that someone would want to own up to being a wanker.

It seems to be pretty one-sided, this misunderstanding of a common language. After all, we've got the delightful word 'mech', short for mechanism, to describe a derailleur. Front mech, rear mech... see? Much nicer and compact than the Gallic polysyllabic 'derailleur' that you insist on using. And what's wrong with the correct spelling of aluminium? If it were meant to lose its last 'i,' then shouldn't that apply to 'titanum' and 'lithum'?

Oh well, "Viv le difference," those French chappies say. And long may our different, but common languages cause mirth between us. But I must, finally, protest at a gross misuse of English superlatives....

'Winningest?' No. BAD colonists.