Ask Bike Dude
by Chip Haynes

Do you have all the answers? I know I do. Now if I could just get people to ask the right questions. Maybe this column will help. Let's see:

Is it ok to ride on the sidewalk?
No, it isn't. Get out on the street where you belong. Be the vehicle you are. Are they all going to be this easy?

But what about my kid? Should he/she/it ride on the sidewalk?
Yeah, well, ok, under a certain age you probably don't want the young un's out in traffic. But you do need to instill, at a young age, the idea that a bicycle is a form of transportation and not a toy. You do know that, right?

So is it maybe better to ride on a trail?
If that's what it takes to get you out of the house and on a bicycle, you go for it. Bike Dude isn't picky. Trails are a great place to get started, or back into, bicycling. Just remember: The road is yours, too.

My kid wants a 27 speed full suspension mountain bike, just because all the other kids have them. But do they really need them?
Yes, they do. If your child actually does show an interest in a bicycle, ANY bicycle, I recommend you by the child that bike immediately. Make sure you really lay the guilt trip on them about the expense and all. Make them ride that bike every day, no matter what. It's only by forcing them on the threat of physical violence that we strongly encourage young people to show an interest in bicycling. At least it's better than an X-Cube, or Game Box or whatever all that video game stuff is. Keep 'em exercising, on a bicycle, and out of the house.

My Significant Other wants to spend the house down payment on a bicycle. Is that good thing?
Yep, I say go right ahead. A good bicycle is a joy forever. Houses need painting eventually. The bike is a much better deal. You can always rent.

So how many bikes do you have, Bike Dude?
This isn't about me. This is about encouraging bicycling in others. Material possessions aren't important.

No, really: how many?
About twenty. What's your point? And here, fellow cyclists, is a great ploy to deflect any criticism at this point of the conversation: You want to buy one? I've got a couple for sale. They're really great!

Uh, no thanks. But what kind do you think I should own?
Definitely a high wheeler. You'd look great in knickers. Barring that, I'd say you need a bike that makes you feel comfortable and makes you want to ride. Unless you're just buying one to take up space in the garage so you can say you have one.

Do people do that?
All the time. The only thing is, bicycles make lousy clothes hangers -- not nearly as good as a treadmill or stair climber. Although Bike Dude will freely admit, nothing beats a Bowflex in this regard, what with all those bow-thingies. Man, you can hang some serious laundry with one of those bad boys.

I've got a bicycle with the Titanium Flapdoodle 24 Technosystem, but my riding buds all say I should have the carbon fiber WheezGeezer 2000 on my bike. What do you think, Bike Dude? Am I really losing that 1/20th of a second with all of that archaeic ancient last month's technowizardry?
Wrong question. My newest bike was built back when Carter was President. Jimmie Carter. Ask your parents. No, really. He was President. Yes, of the United States. Anyway, that's the great thing about bicycling. You don't have to have all the latest whiz-bang techno beans to have fun. Matter of fact, that sort of works against you, since the latest cool stuff is never the latest cool stuff for very long. Then you've just got old stuff. Like me, now. So why not cut right to the chase and beat the system at its own game? If you start out with old stuff, you never have to upgrade! HA! Take that, Shimano!

So what do you think was the epitome of bicycle technology?
The Sturmey-Archer three speed internally-geared hub, invented in 1902.

But wasn't that like a hundred years ago?
My point exactly.

But can the bicycle ever really replace the car?
You asked the question backwards. The question is, how can the car ever replace the bicycle? I don't think it can. The bicycle is really the best thing since sliced bread. Assuming, of course, that you like sliced bread.

Yeah, well, you're kinda creeping me out here Bike Dude. Does the bicycle really have a future in this techno world?
I think so, but let's ask M. K. Hubbert. Yep, he agrees. (But he is grading on the curve, so to speak.) The bicycle that was all the rage a hundred years ago is about to come in to its own again. Better get with it and buy one before they're all gone.

Could that happen? Could bicycles disappear?
Not a chance. My garage is too well stocked. Maybe you should put a few back as well. At least one. Bike Dude is outta here.

© Chip Haynes
The Wire Donkey No. 233