Roadie or Not Roadie
by Nick Wallis
Those who hate riding on
the road are doing it wrong. If road riding conjures up images of shaven legs,
funny helmets, and death by boredom, you've got it all wrong. Been there. Done
that. Nearly died of boredom. If instead road riding conjures up images of bunch
racing, EPOs, valiant lone breaks, and the thrill (huh?) of bunch sprints you've
still got it wrong. Road riding like that is hanging on for grim death as every
wannabe drives the bunch along at stupid speeds. You're left behind at every
corner and the only sprint you take part in is for 36th place. Been there. Done
that. Nearly died of a heart attack. Or road riding is stately touring loaded
with panniers, sheltering from every freak summer rainstorm. Been there. Done
that. Nearly got killed by my partner.
All of the above are indeed road riding. But they are not road riding in any
sense that will give a mountain biker pleasure. Enjoyable road riding done properly
involves pain and thrills in equal measure. It is as solitary as the time-trial
but more thrilling than the bunch. And it needs planning.
Just because there's a road right there outside your house doesn't mean it's
a good road. Good roads are like good singletrack. They're not found everywhere,
and they're worth seeking out. So throw a road bike into the back of the car
and head for some good roads. What makes a good road? Basically the same things
as make good mountain bike trails. Hills for a start. You can have good flat
singletrack, but good flat roads are about as rare as hens teeth.
OK, so you need hills, but that's not all. You need the right kind of hills.
They need to be long. You want descents of at least a mile and a half. If your
descents are shorter than this they'd better compensate by being steep. How
steep? Too steep to ride up.
A good road also needs curves. Ones that make you want to run your hand over
them. Long straight climbs are soul-destroying. Curves and blind bends help
make climbing easier becasue you only need to aim for the next corner... and
the next... But more importantly you need curves on the descent. You want to
hang it all out trying to get your knee down.
So dress yourself in Lycra. Stick on some tight roadie shoes and strap 'em up
'til the blood stops flowing to your toes. Drink strong black coffee 'til the
whites of your eyes turn yellow and you can't hold your hand still, and drag
your sorry self and some skinny tryes to the bottom of a great big hill and
the long and winding road to the top.
Now I'm not gonna claim that the pain involved in road riding is pleasureable.
Which is why it needs to be worth it. Every screaming in your calf needs reward.
Searing lungs need compensation. Letting them out to sit
on the handlebars and take a look at what's causing all this hurt feels like
the right thing to do, but believe me, your lungs wouldn't appreciate it. No
matter how much they ask to leave your body you're better off keeping them in
there.
Once at the top your aim is to get down that long and twisty road as fast as
you can. You want the thrill of braking hard into corners fearing that oncoming
wall, wondering if you're braking hard enough. You want the thrill of really
cranking it over. You want to get your stomach on the nose of the saddle and
your chin on the stem, squeezing every last bit of speed out of the bike. You
want to be going so fast that trying to spin 53-11 is a waste of time and leads
to dangerous instability. You want to be overtaking cars, squeezing into the
gap between them and the oncoming traffic. But you're never going to do it fast
enough at first. Believe me, you can go faster.
Which is where the motorbikes come it. Like chasing a good downhiller and seeing
the best lines will improve your downhilling, so giving chase after a triumph
Daytona is a great way to go faster on the road. Being overtaken by a Ducati
911 on one bend only to out-brake and undertake him on the next is not only
reckless, dangerous and foodhardy, it's also downright scary.
Doing 70mph dressed in leather and fibreglass on top of super sticky 6-inch
wide Pirellis is great fun. Doing 70mph dressed in Lycra and polystyrene on
top of 19mm Vittorias is more fun. This is road riding. And you know what? Roadies
don't understand it either.
© Nick Wallis
The Outcast