[tape begins]

Q: You know why we brought you in?

A: No.

Q: We wanted to ask you a few questions... the smart thing to do would be to answer them all truthfully.

A: I've got nothing to hide. Go ahead.

Q: You call yourself a journalist?

A: No. I never said that.

Q: Then what were you doing writing for Cycling Plus?

A: Cycling Plus? What kind of name is that?

Q: We'll ask the questions here.

A: Yes, I wrote for them.

Q: What sort of stories did you write?

A: I don't remember them all.

Q: Did you write gibberish?

A: Possibly. It depends what you mean by 'gibberish'.

Q: [opens large dictionary normally used to soften up suspects] 'Unintelligible or nonsensical talk or writing'.

A: No, not gibberish.

Q: What would you call it?

A: It was... look, I'm not trying to be precious, but it was like art.

Q: Art? What are you talking about?

A: [opens dictionary] 'Art: Human effort to imitate, supplement, alter, or counteract the work of nature.'

Q: What?

A: Stupid dictionary.

Q: Were you or were you not responsible for such 'masterpieces' as My Funny Valentines, Boneshaker, and Silly Season?

A: Yes, yes, and yes.

Q: Do those look like they belong in a cycling magazine?

A: In a magazine with a large and diverse audience, why not? Some of us get tired of the same old same old.

Q: Is that your defense? You did it just to be different?

A: That's one antidote to boredom.

Q: How long did you write for them?

A: Four years, on and off.

Q: Why did you stop?

A: They fired me.

Q: They fired you?

A: Might as well have. What happened was they dropped my column, then tried to soften the blow by telling me I could make more money on features.

Q: Certainly they had the right to drop your column.

A: Sure they did. Wankers.

Q: Sounds like sour grapes. After all, they were willing to push the edge of the envelope for you quite a bit.

A: Yes. I'm not ungrateful. And the editor [Tony Farrelly] is pleasant chap. It probably wasn't his fault that I got the chop, though my method of execution left something to be desired. That doesn't alter my opinion that Future Publishing Ltd. are wankers.

Q: So why don't you just write features for them?

A: Because they're w-- because I don't particularly like writing features.

Q: Too much like hard work?

A: Writing my column was hard work.

Q: Reading it was hard work.

A: If you say so. I know people who thought it was sublime.

Q: People other than your mother?

A: No. My mother thought it was hard work.

Q: Did you generally get a lot of feedback from readers?

A: Not generally, no.

Q: Shouldn't that tell you something?

A: I don't really know what it tells me. Most people don't write letters to the editor unless they've got a beef. I would've liked more feedback - positive, naturally(!). No one likes working in a vacuum.

Q: What about the Cycling Plus forum? Did that provide you with feedback?

A: The Cycling Plus forum existed solely to provide me with feedback, of course.

Q: It'll go better for you if you make a full confession.

A: Well, there was one guy early on who really laid into me. He absolutely hated my stuff, no bones about it. 'Yenrod'. I later named a planet after him in Lightspeed: Yenrod 6. He was a harmless troll, so it should have been easy to ignore him, but he was always popping up with an unkind word, so he sticks in the memory.

Q: My, grandma, what thin skin you have(!).

A: A forum is a community.* I was a member of that community. Unfortunately some people - often the same ones who liked to go on about how friendly and groovy the neighborhood was - thought nothing about dissing my contributions to the mag. Another character who went by the name of 'Evilchuffy' was a perfect example of this. I guess the 'Evil' bit should've tipped me off. As it happens he made it into a story too.

Q: Criticism is part of the writing game, wouldn't you say?

A: Look, not everybody has to be a card-carrying member of my fan club. What annoys me is that of the wide selection of things to complain about in Cycling Plus, the acres of lacklustre wordage and endless recycling, they disgorged themselves on my little patch.

Q: All this sounds rather petty.

A: It is. Life certainly has its share of petty moments. Bleah. Can we talk about something else now?

[tape ends]

* some aren't like communities at all. It depends how it feels to you.